Those bitches be crazy

In the headlines...

As usual there's been a right load of tosh nestled inbetween the real news this week, along which are some bloody stupid ideas from our government (I blame the Lib Dems). 

Number 10 asked civil servants for a few thoughts on new laws for personal freedom, that's our freedom.

Two which really leapt out at me were lowering the legal age of consent to fourteen and public nudity being legalised. You've got to hand it to them, they're really made themselves look like paedophile voyeurs.

Here are my main problems with these suggested new laws:

• If the legal age of consent is fourteen, the only shows on television are going to be sixteen and pregnant, one born every minute, I'm a paedophile get me in there, and  my favourite shows like Eastenders will get pulled from the air to make room for them.
• Maternity Wear will become fashionable, so I'll inevitably jump on the bandwagon and start wearing really unflattering smocks.
• With so many pregnant women I'll never get a seat on the bus.

Actually, maybe I don't want a seat.

So if this public nudity law is passed there's a little thing I'm going to need - CONSTANT BEER GOGGLES because if I have to see old mens willies when I pop to SPAR in my onesie to grab a pint of milk, I'm going to need something to help. Luckily, women won't feel pressured to go to the gym and get super toned, because all the fourteen year olds will be pregnant, so no one is going to look half decent naked. 

Plastic Fantastic. 

Have you heard what VISA have been upto now? They've come up with a little scheme nicknamed pktmny - as in pocket money - allowing 8-16 year olds debit cards. A Daily Mail columnist has already found a loop hole and given her FOUR YEAR OLD son one. The parents control how much money the little munchkins can spend using these cards and they can't be used to purchase naughty things like fags and booze.

There are two problems I've noted with this scheme:

Problem number one; kiddies are incapable of abstract reasoning until they're in their tweens, so they won't be able to get their little heads around the fact that a debit card and cash surmount to the same thing and will surely grow up with bad spending habits. Plus with 55pc of adults never changing banks, they'll probably end up stuck with the same bank their whole lives because they can't be arsed to change, or because of the advertisers favourite, brand loyalty.

Now, on to the biggest problem - problem number two.  If this scheme hits off, like really hits off, the queues at ATM's are going to be so much longer! There's always one prick who puts about four cards in and forgets all his pins, it's going to be so much worse when that prick is five years old, so giving him a little kick when he finally gets his dosh out after twenty minutes is child abuse.