I want to get this drunk

You know when you just want to get really, really drunk?

I want to get this drunk...

Me squishing the birthday girl and her sister

I haven't properly partied for so long, on account of being properly skint, that I'm up for a full on blow out this weekend. A full on blow out these days consists of a few bottles of wine and a dance somewhere in the Northern Quarter (how I've tamed from my uni days!) and I could not be more excited.

Bring on the weekend!!! Who else is excited?

You give love a bad name

So Katie Price has got married again, to a rather scrummy looking stripper. Usually months, even years, of planning go into a wedding, but not for our Katie. To be fair to her, she'd only known the guy for a few weeks so she didn't have the time to plan the (third) most special day of her life, she probably had a few plans put in place from her last engagement to that Leonardo guy that got called off a few weeks before she met hubby number three, so that must have been a timesaver.

Anyone that cares about the wedding (probably not many people by now) will  be wondering how long this farce will last for. It has already outlasted Britney's infamous 55 hour Vegas wedding to her childhood sweetheart, but time will only tell if it has the longevity of Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage.

The worry is though, how is this affecting her daughter? Princess Tiamii is not only lumbered with a truly ridiculous name, but she also has one of the worst role mothers possible for a mother. I'm not saying Jordan doesn't love her children, but lets have a look back at some of her 'best bits'

• She made a name for herself as a glamour model, routinely getting them out for lads mags and the tabloids, so her daughter will grow up thinking it's fine, even normal, to expose yourself for a sum and it's a good thing to be objectified by men.
• She has changed her body to please men. She has had numerous breast operations, enlargements, reductions, uplifts etc and then gone on to brag/ cry about them in any magazine that still bothers to pay her for this dross. This could leave Princess with low self esteem, body dysphmorphia and thinking that surgery is as normal as getting a hair cut.
• She is well known for getting in public slanging matches - particularly with fellow glamour model Jodie Marsh. This will teach little Princess that it's alright to be a bitch and a bully if it gets you attention and it's perfectly fine to disrespect and slag off women - forget the sisterhood, why share the limelight? And what started their long running argument in the first place? They were arguing over what was better - natural or fake breasts. 'Mine will never sag, men love them, blah blah'. Good for you Jordan - doing so much for the cause there.
• Her very, very short lived relationships. There are only so many 'new daddies' you can have before you start thinking they come free with a happy meal. She is imprinting on her young, impressionable children that there is no sancaty in marriage, that vows are worthless and commitment doesn't have to last longer than it takes for a kettle to boil. Even worse but her children run the risk of being deeply emotionally scarred and have abandonment and trust issues. How many of their 'daddies' do you think they see now? Alex Reid is certinatley out of the picture. He was there during the childrens formative years and they probably grew very attached to him, got used to him in their life (or her, depending on his wardrobe choices of the day). It's highly doubtful he'll still be in contact with the children. Not to worry though as they weren't missing a step daddy for long - bring in Leonadro Penna! This Argentinian fittie was on the scene a few weeks after Alex was booted out. He could have been drafted in for educational reasons, perhaps Katie had high linguistic hopes for her children, as the poor chap barely spoke any English. Katie probably sat the kids down when they got engaged, explaining that they were getting married, she loved  him and they'd be together forever. Forever in Katie's world  isn't forever forever though, as her kids will have learnt. It's time to save ta ta to poor Leo and bring in the stripper. After the predictable Twitter PDA's, Katie went a step to far and married the guy. With her track record I'm not expecting them to be eating Easter Eggs together.

It really is sad that these children have been subjected to so much during their formative years, from the vitrol spouted from her mother about men she, and the children, previously loved, including their father Peter Andre, to the constant succession of new daddies in their life.

If they ever do want to reminise about them though, all they have to do is watch the back catalog of Pricey's reality shows, basically glammed up/ dumbed down home videos shown on national television, featuring step daddies, past and present.

Let it snow (please)

I was so excited yesterday when it started to snow, it looked like a proper blizzard outside (I took it photo, you couldn't really see anything). But  it didn't stick! I was gutted, now it's just bloody freezing and there's isn't even snow to play in, boooo.

Here's a few things I would do if there was snow to play with:

• Go sledging in Heaton Park
• Have a snow ball fight, until my hands got cold and I went to sit inside
• Make a snowman, until my hands got cold and I went to sit inside
• Make an igloo, until my hands got cold and I went to sit inside

I think I'd have a reallly, really fun half hour in the snow, until my hands got cold and I went to sit inside.

The snow at Albert Square.

News in brief

So I had a meeting with my recruitment consultant today and my word is he a looker. I was trying to concentrate on saying why I'd be sooooo good at the jobs he'd shown me briefs for, but all I could think about was his briefs. He had a certain twinkle in his eye that's for sure but he was really charismatic and whenever he winked at me, I wanted to drop my briefs.
The problem is, he was so fit I really couldn't interview properly, everytime I had to describe myself as results driven, up for a challenge and money motivated I felt like the biggest tit ever and whenever he complimented my work ethic, I blushed brighter than the sun. So awkward!

 

Really inappropriate briefs

The Hangover Part 4

I'm trying to decide what the worst part of my hangover was, I've narrowed it down to several options:
A) Waking up in Sale
B) Waking up next to a pastry chef
C) Getting on an absolutely rammed tram full of football fans on their way to Old Trafford and breathing on me
D) An old lady giving me the evil eye and saying 'you're right to look ashamed of yourself'

She was right, I am ashamed of myself. And I feel crap.

Oh well, back in the onesie.

Little white lies

So I was having a little chat with my recruitment consultant today and he asked how I'd describe myself. I had a little panic, because all I do is go to the pub and I don't think that's a hobby or a personality trait. So I said sporty, not a complete lie as I occasionally go to the gym. Anyway, he asked what sport I play, so I said Hockey, as I was in the Ladies Hockey Team as a fresher. Thinking that would be the end of it, I relaxed slightly, ready to continue bullshitting about how great I am. That was not the end of it. Apparently this lovely chap used to be the captain of a hockey team which represented the North West and the captain of his university Hockey team. Why couldn't I say hopscotch! So he starts asking me questions about hockey tactics and positions, which I couldn't answer as I only joined the hockey team to go on socials.
It took a lot to steer the conversation away from hockey and I'm really hoping he wasn't left with the resounding thought that I'm a complete idiot.

I'm so not good at little white lies. 

Hey Emma, How's it going?

That sad realisation that the only person that's asked how you are for days is Facebook... and Facebook isn't a person.

Why you need to 'fuck off the frenemy'

In a bit, shit.

Omg, your hair is amazing, it totally draws the attention away from your crooked nose. Good for you!

Don't worry you'll find a boyfriend soon, no one can be alone forever.

Do you really think drinking that much will make you appealing to men? You look like a whore. Now I've upset you I'm totally going to make out with the guy who's been checking you out all night.


There are so many magazine articles about ways to 'handle your frenemy' which go on about the best tactics to deal with them, how if you have 'friendship counselling' that bitch will end up being your bestie, how to be the bigger person etc.
But for fucks sake cut them out. These people are not your friends, they don't make you feel good about yourself, their sly little comments don't inspire you to do better, they inspire you do down a bottle of vodka.
There's a big difference between your real friends offering a bit of tough love because you keep messing up and they want to help you, and your frenemy actively gloating when things go wrong for you.

Now, you can do what the touchly feely magazines tell you to do and have a heart to heart and try to figure out why s/he's feeling this way and explain how much it hurts you. Or - if you're not a hippy and you have a back bone - tell them they're being a cunt and cut them out.

snip snip v stab stab

Those bitches be crazy

In the headlines...

As usual there's been a right load of tosh nestled inbetween the real news this week, along which are some bloody stupid ideas from our government (I blame the Lib Dems). 

Number 10 asked civil servants for a few thoughts on new laws for personal freedom, that's our freedom.

Two which really leapt out at me were lowering the legal age of consent to fourteen and public nudity being legalised. You've got to hand it to them, they're really made themselves look like paedophile voyeurs.

Here are my main problems with these suggested new laws:

• If the legal age of consent is fourteen, the only shows on television are going to be sixteen and pregnant, one born every minute, I'm a paedophile get me in there, and  my favourite shows like Eastenders will get pulled from the air to make room for them.
• Maternity Wear will become fashionable, so I'll inevitably jump on the bandwagon and start wearing really unflattering smocks.
• With so many pregnant women I'll never get a seat on the bus.

Actually, maybe I don't want a seat.

So if this public nudity law is passed there's a little thing I'm going to need - CONSTANT BEER GOGGLES because if I have to see old mens willies when I pop to SPAR in my onesie to grab a pint of milk, I'm going to need something to help. Luckily, women won't feel pressured to go to the gym and get super toned, because all the fourteen year olds will be pregnant, so no one is going to look half decent naked. 

Plastic Fantastic. 

Have you heard what VISA have been upto now? They've come up with a little scheme nicknamed pktmny - as in pocket money - allowing 8-16 year olds debit cards. A Daily Mail columnist has already found a loop hole and given her FOUR YEAR OLD son one. The parents control how much money the little munchkins can spend using these cards and they can't be used to purchase naughty things like fags and booze.

There are two problems I've noted with this scheme:

Problem number one; kiddies are incapable of abstract reasoning until they're in their tweens, so they won't be able to get their little heads around the fact that a debit card and cash surmount to the same thing and will surely grow up with bad spending habits. Plus with 55pc of adults never changing banks, they'll probably end up stuck with the same bank their whole lives because they can't be arsed to change, or because of the advertisers favourite, brand loyalty.

Now, on to the biggest problem - problem number two.  If this scheme hits off, like really hits off, the queues at ATM's are going to be so much longer! There's always one prick who puts about four cards in and forgets all his pins, it's going to be so much worse when that prick is five years old, so giving him a little kick when he finally gets his dosh out after twenty minutes is child abuse. 

I didn't ask to be a princess...but if the crown fits

Everybody has a blog these days, but no one asks the really important questions - how much does it cost to have a naked butler in permanent employment? Is it unfeminist  to always shout for the nearest man when you see a spider? Is 23 too old to wear a onesie (for two consecutive days)?

I'm Not So Disney Princess, I'm 23, my work uniform makes me look like a lesbian (are we still allowed to say lesbian?) I frequently wake up with half a burger on my pillow accompanying my dreadful hangover and I    always feel like I deserve a medal when I've made it to the gym.

The big questions on my mind this week are:

• Why haven't I put that burger in the bin yet?
• Should I stop lying to my calorie counter about how much I've eaten? And how much I weigh?
• Why won't my hair go right? It's bushier than Basil Brushes tail and with over excessive dye jobs to cover an awful bleaching incident, I'm more than a little worried it will all fall out.

The things I'm hoping to achieve this week are:

• Stop having bordeom crushes on people at work. Or at least stop getting drunk with my bordeom crushes at work.
• Go to the gym for an actual work out instead trying to sweat calories out in the steam room and nearly passing out every time a fit guy comes in by sucking my gut in so much.
• Hopefully hear back from the job I applied for, so I can stop working in a pub and wearing a uniform that makes me look like a lesbian dressing up as a magicians assistant.

The countless business books I read at university extolled the benefits of writing  aims and objectives, so I'm hoping by using them in my personal life, I'll get a little bit closer to my life plan (which at the moment consists of get a proper job and thread upper lip). 

What are you weekly objectives?